CHANGE - It’s such a lovely and terrifying thing. I chase it and yearn for it, but I also confront it with so much emotion. It’s scary. It’s intimidating. It’s unpredictable. It’s different. So why do I reach for it? It’s taken me a while to put together this post because my processing of this change is unfolding everyday. A new layer becomes exposed and I want to carefully reflect and portray it accurately. It’s also a somewhat vulnerable topic for me - I hold tight to my #strongwoman front <3
So here I am; in a huge season of change. I’m recently unemployed (by choice), traveling the countryside in a red school bus name Ruby (also by choice…), with our dog and my almost-HUBS, with no obligations for tomorrow - WHO am I? And what am i doing in this life?! These are questions I’m asking myself in this season of leaving my certainty to something with much more unknown, during a worldwide pandemic.
I have always said things like “my job doesn’t define me”, but to some extent, in America, your job defines you simply because it’s in the culture - you can’t run from the feeling that even if I don’t let my job define me, others do. It defines status, it gives someone a bar to compare against, and it’s a first conversation point with new folk. Think about someone new you met, maybe at your spouse’s work party, your sister’s boyfriend, etc. - one of the very first questions asked is most definitely “what do you do?” And they aren’t asking you if you are doing home improvement, Saturday morning yoga, or baking sourdough (but I encourage you to answer that way in the future :p). As mentioned, in America, we love status. It’s why people buy Tesla’s and not only have a boat, but have a boat, 2 jet skis, a lily pad, and a pontoon (some you will challenge that statement - it’s cool. Stick with your story bro - "you just like Teslas”). It’s why social media can be so toxic for mental health and why dying your hair consistently is SO important - ugh.
I have been reflecting a lot on my “elevator speech” and how I present myself and view my worth in the world, with and without a standard career. I have been in the engineering trade since graduating college in 2014 (I did take a break to teach in Thailand, but mostly). Engineering comes with a status and mostly a positive one. A typical response is something like “ohhh so you’re really smart” (PS I know many DUMB ASS engineers, don’t let the title fool you. Even ‘D’ average doctors graduate medical school). I usually scoff at the comments and don’t take them as flattery, but as "come on, you don’t even know me”. But then again, when someone tells me they are in sales, I have a set of beliefs and auto-labels that are generated. Am I proud of it? No, but the human brain loves labels; it’s how we organize. Anyways, what I’m saying is that I don’t really have to earn the respect with most people when it comes to my career. Engineering also is a financially friendly field; I accredit engineering, specifically med device engineering, to being debt free within 3 years of graduating college (with nearly $40k of loans), while still taking multiple vacations/year and living in a major metro area. Financially, engineering is a responsible choice. Being a female in the trade only makes your value stronger, but money isn’t all of the story in “the way to eternal happiness”. However, I do thank the trade for paying off that debt and helping me secure the savings we needed to build a bus and be on this journey. :)
Now that I am no longer employed, I “lose” that piece of my so-called “story”; that instant above-average status bar - big whoop, right? That’s what I thought, too. As much as I like to think I have never leaned on my career to add self-worth, quitting my job to adventure and explore (aka from security to complete insecurity and freedom) has really made me feel the partial untruth to the story I have been telling myself. I realized in this season of change how much weight I had associated to my career, I had to now learn how to navigate without it. My first thought was SWEET, my second thought was WOAH - this is sort of scary.
As much as there were things I didn’t like about my job, it was daily structure that I knew how to do and do well. What I realized these past couple weeks, is how much security I was getting from having a schedule that included many hours (majority of waking) doing something I could do above average. It added validation to me adding value to this world - even if it was miserably talking with our partners in Vietnam at 9PM about a bond failure or trying to figure out why customs was holding a piece of manufacturing equipment. Was everyday easy? Absolutely not. Was it sometimes challenging? Sure, but so is running a marathon although you know how to run. I was running a marathon, but now I de-toured from the race, hopped on a mountain bike without a helmet, and started downhill. (PS) I don’t know how to mountain bike…)
It also brought about uncertainty in Jake and my’s relationship as well. I never felt he was with me for my earnings or my job, but I am no longer making money and he is; will that change the dynamic of our relationship? Will I now be expected to be the “house wife”? The feminist side of me revolted. I started telling myself false stories that only led to my own drama film, completely made up in my head. He is also still working, so there would hours on the road where he would be dialing in to his daily grind, and I would…??? This was another intimidating spot for me which I am still learning how to navigate.
I’ve had a couple weeks to see this process unfold and re-write a story during this season of change that feels more like the truth and more real to our situation…so WHAT DO I DO, you ask? Well - here goes my newly modified elevator speech (or elevator book) about Jen, version sabbatical 2020:
Hi, I’m Jenna - I’m a wannabe hippie with a constant need for adventure. From exploring a new culture to gain perspective to coaching young athletes on how to grow into confident women to tending a yard of chickens, I have a zest for life and helping others (chickens included) and myself live it to the fullest. I come with a lot of energy. I strive for more happy days than stressful days. I like to wake up and do a few forward folds because that’s what makes my body feel best. I love physical challenge, but am learning how to mix-in a balance of mental challenge as well (hello meditation, queen of the #5minMax). A few of my titles include fiancé, sister, auntie, coach, mentor, forever student, and favorite daughter (jk Linz - we all know it’s you). I am continuously growing and learning how to be better at all of them.
I live to explore the world and the many types of people that live in it, but if given an ultimatum, I would be torn between that life and living in the mountains without neighbors in view (but within reach of my cutie niece&nephew). I’m a minimalist at heart; I visualize my future with a tiny house on a lot of land occupied by tens of chickens, a few classy goats, and Cleo (our dog). Ideally without any fences, so we can all live cage free in perfect harmony :) I imagine waking up in the morning, cuddling my sweets while watching the sunrise, and then weeding the garden with a set of power burpees in between each row. Of course, all of these activities are best in the least amount of clothing because my body likes to be free and I hate doing laundry. I believe your kitchen should be the largest room in the house.
I annoyingly challenge the WHY behind most efforts; “that’s how we’ve always done it” is probably my most-loathed saying. However, I do still freeze bread and hashbrowns because #MamaPatty, but will accept a good debate over if this is truly the best way. I like to travel the world - I mean, I LOVE to travel the world - did i say that already? My life goal is to become my own boss and never have to “retire” because I will be doing something I love that I don’t want to leave. I believe in working hard & playing hard when I’m young because who knows if I’ll still be able to climb Chirripo in my 60s?? I have promised myself that I will be that 70-yr old lady who still hits the trails on the daily, as long as my body allows it…because there is no better therapy than nature therapy. Try it sometime, I dare you. Much love <3
& even if I was still a medical device engineer, I would be more proud to be the above story <3 Like me or not, this is Jen, 2020.
Peace & love,
yo’ girl Jen
““Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.” ”
